What Is Stopping Me?

Spring has arrived.  We have had snow the past few days but it’s the type to not stick around.  The sun is shining and the streets are dry again.  Birds are starting to chirp and we have seen the first robins.

I’m continuing to push myself to better health.  I’ve increased my step goal to 10,000 steps (which was normal before all of this happened).  I’m reaching it and most days exceeding the step count with the help of my treadmill.

This is normally the time of year that I just can’t wait to get outside but something is stopping me.  I can make myself go out to walk if I have a destination.  It has to be for an appointment that I can’t miss.  I can walk when Ron is home but today Ron is working.

So what stops me?  I look outside and think it would be good to go but then I feel the anxiety and retreat to the treadmill. Why? And the better question is How?   How do I get over this feeling and get back outside by myself.  I don’t even know why it causes me stress.

I guess it is one of those things that will take time.  Small steps will lead to longer walks but in the mean time the treadmill will have to do.

It will come…

Update on Sarah….her symptoms have improved.  The headache and pressure are gone.  She is able to walk normal and without assistance.  She is trying school today with modifications.   I told her to be careful or the symptoms could come back.  She told me that it wasn’t that bad.  I told her that it was because she couldn’t remember.  

Jenn got a temporary full time position at the hospital.  She is excited about having her own office.  Her current department isn’t very happy to lose her.

Stephen and Kylie just returned from Hawaii and I was reliving the experience through their pictures and stories.

These are turtles,
not Stephen and Kylie

I need to get my day going.  Down to the treadmill I go.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

I’m working through my google list of how to fight depression and one of them is to challenge negative thoughts. With so many horrific things happening over the last couple of years, I feel like Positive Penny has changed into Negative Nickle and perhaps turned a little Loonie.

Creating a routine, exercising and trying something new is a piece of cake compared to the step of challenging negative thoughts.  When life has thrown so many difficult things at you in a short time, you begin to expect the worst.  It has been strange and hard watching my optimism disappear.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been really working to live in the moment.  Looking back is scary because of how low I felt and looking ahead can be overwhelming and cause anxiety.  I can say that I want to live in the now but it isn’t easy, and at times, not achievable.

This “challenging negative feelings” was put to the test over the last couple of days.  Our granddaughter, Sarah gave us a real scare.  She had a few dizzy spells yesterday and fell three times.  The last time was at school and she hit her head hard.  Her mom was called to the school.  Jenn started driving her to the hospital but had to stop and call an ambulance.  Sarah was immediately looked at the hospital.  She had a severe headache and her right side was not working right causing her to need support to walk.  Her blood pressure was very low and she just didn’t feel right. We were all scared and no matter how hard I tried the negative thoughts were there.

Thankfully, she was in one of the best hospitals that have so many resources.  They did blood work, checked her vitals, did an ECG, cat scan and an EEG.  They called in the pediatric team.  They examined, prodded, hydrated and medicated her.  They kept her there for the night.  Jenn stayed right beside her.  

This morning they came with the results.  They weren’t sure why she was having dizzy spells except that perhaps a viral infection may have caused it.  There was no bleeding or swelling.  The symptoms were all credited to a severe concussion.  She still can’t walk properly but they let her go home with some conditions.  She needs to take it very easy with very little screen time.  She can’t go to school on Monday and then will do half days the rest of the week and if the symptoms don’t improve they will need to take her back.

She was pretty tired by the time she got home.  I’m not use to seeing her so flat and I am very thankfully that her family were there to look after her.

So I can challenge all those negative thoughts but I feel like they won today.  Tomorrow is a new day and we are hoping for good news about Sarah and I will again try and spend Negative Nickle and get the Positive Penny for change. 🙏

Develop A Routine

Another step towards healing, according to my Google list, is to have a routine. The routine needs to be something that takes some motivation.  Depression can develop very unhealthy routines…sleeping in, not eating right and hiding in your house.😳

I’ve been working hard to create a more healthier routine.  I always seem to be exhausted in the morning but I am pushing myself to get out of bed at 7ish. My day then begins with a coffee and word games (New York Wordle, Quordle and Canukle), another coffee with breakfast and then the bed must be made.  Exercise is the next thing to check off.  After that, it depends on the day.  So I’m developing a routine, working on doing new things and exercising!!!

Today’ exercise was snowshoeing in the mountains …with Ron.

Something New

I googled and found a list of 11 things to help with depression.  In my last post I shared one of them…Exercise.  Another item on the list is to try and do something new.  Depression often keeps a person in a rut…a very deep, lonely rut.  I can understand now why it is important to try something new.

Last February, Sarah, Ron and I went to Lake Louise for a couple of days to cross country ski.  I took a picture and then entered it into a contest for a free night at the motel that we had stayed in.

I won!

I made the reservation for last night. This wasn’t something new because we had stayed there before.

On our way to Lake Louise, we stopped to do a walk at Johnson Canyon.

This morning we got up and headed to the lake.  We have skied across Lake Louise before but this time we had snow shoes.  

I’m counting that as something new.

I actually combined two on the list….Exercise and Something New.

It feels so good to have the strength to start fighting this one step at a time.

I know that I have a ways to go.  As we drove through Canmore today, tears rolled down my cheeks as I gazed at The Three Sisters mountain range. In the past, every time we would drive by I would think about my two sisters and today was no different.

Ron was quiet for a while giving me some time and then he switched the channel to blue grass.  Who can keep crying when there are songs about dogs, trains and lots of bad singing?  Ron says that even the sad songs are happy.

Here I Come....

"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest."

                        - definition from Mayo Clinic

This is a short definition of a huge issue.  I never really understood depression until I begin to suffer with it or perhaps as I start to hopefully recover from it.  

One of the things that many people have said is that exercise is very important for stress and depression.  For a long time I couldn't push myself to do anything. I lacked energy and motivation.  Before depression, I would almost always get 10,000 steps. This last month I have pushed myself to exercise daily.  I changed my goal to 6,000 steps a day.  For two weeks I was able to do it.  Then, I bumped it up another 1000 daily and achieved it.  Exercise was one thing that I had control of and it felt good to succeed.  For such a long time I felt like I didn't have control over anything.  This week I added another 1,000 steps a day.  I want to continue until I get up to the 10,000 and then I will know that I am one step or perhaps 10,000 steps towards better mental health.

Most of my steps are done on the treadmill.  It's a safe place but when Ron is home he helps me to be a little more creative with my goal.

Last Monday, we went to the Crowsnest Pass.  Ron had his skis and I took my snow shoes.  We agreed to meet back at the truck in about an hour and a half.  I discovered some new trails.  It was a pretty cold day but it was good to breathe deep and get my steps outside.  I use to enjoy this so much and I know that I will again soon.  Small steps to recovery may lead through the woods.

On Wednesday, we headed back for another day of exercise. We decided that we would meet at the top.  This was a new snowshoe trail and so off I went.  

I was determined to make it to our meeting spot.  Along the way, near the top, I started to see moose tracks and where they had bedded now for the night.  I could feel a little anxiety and some panic but I wanted to make it to our designated meeting area.  I got to the last section and tromping loudly, not far from where I was, there was the moose.  He or she was huge. I let out a scream and then I heard Ron's voice.  He talked me to the top of the hill.  I was so scared and I knew that I would have to turn around and go back through the moose area.  Ron tried to calm me but finally off I went, faster than I probably should have with snow shoes, talking the whole way down like a crazy lady.  "Here I come...here I come" over and over  I chanted.  If the moose was still around, I 'm thinking that they thought a crazy lady was not someone that they wanted to mess with.

Ron said that I would be fine.  When I told the story to Stephen, he asked why was I so afraid?...then on Saturday, this message came from the ski club....

Crowsnest Nordic Ski Club <cnpcrosscountry@gmail.com>	Sat, Mar 11, 2:20 PM (2 days ago)
to bcc: me

Happy Sunny Saturday!

We hope everyone is enjoying some of that beautiful sunshine outside today!  Just a note that there is a Moose with 2 calves on many of the trails lately especially the campsite loops, and around the Mill, Whiskey Jack and Cabin so be sure to make some noise out there and give them the space they need and deserve!

It has been a marvellous few weeks of skiing and we hope you have been enjoying the trails and the updates!

Happy Snowy Trails,

Crowsnest Nordic Ski Club Board Members

I will continue my journey to mental health because, "Here I come....here I come!"

My Thoughts

A year and a half has past since I shared my thoughts on this page.  All of last year, I blogged almost daily for my sister. The blog was entitled “I’m STEELE Standing.” (Link for the blog)  My sister, Tina was diagnosed with ALS on January 25, 2022 and faught this horrible disease for 11 months and four days. Our hearts are still in the midst of grieving.

The past couple of years have been hard.  I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  My feelings have kept me away from people and had made it hard to cope with day to day life.  These emotions started in 2021 and with Tina’s diagnosis and other family situations and dynamics, I spiraled.  I was scared.

For the past two years, we also had the primary care for one, two and sometimes three of our grandchildren.  In some ways, I think that was what kept me getting up every morning.

Two to three weeks ago I felt the cloud of depression starting to lift.  It’s not gone, but I now feel like I have some energy to battle it.  

This blog use to be filled with beautiful places and smiling faces.  My goal is to get back to that and I want to try to journal my steps along the way.  I promise that this won’t be a doom and gloom blog but rather rejoicing in the steps to recovery. ❤️‍🩹