How Are You?

My son tells me that I should keep this blog happy but when I reintroduced it I said that I was taking you along on my journey to better health.

For the past two years when I was asked “How are you?” my response was “I’m okay.”  It felt like I was lying if I said that I was good.  To be honest, I felt that sometimes it was hard to breathe, tears came quick and often and I didn’t feel like or have the energy to do much.

As I sat in my contemplation seat (which is on the back of the motorcycle), I considered the question of “how am I?

I’m doing so much better.  I could even answer, “I’m good.” That doesn’t mean that I’m not still grieving or that life has changed that much. It’s just having the cloud of depression lift enough to see that there is still things to enjoy, events to celebrate, people to love. 

I notice that I have come from not wanting to do anything to planning things to do.  I have energy to walk and hike.  I am working harder to keep getting better.  I also have the wisdom to know that I don’t want to go back to that place so I try and shield myself from negativity. I sometimes still cry over nothing because of everything.

I have learned a lot about myself through this journey.  I have always tried to make people happy.  You can’t always do that.  I will try and then my goal is to not take it personally if they can’t see my heart.  I am only responsible for my own actions.

I never thought that I would be someone that struggled with depression and anxiety.  I would have never guessed that life would throw so many things at me. I have also noticed that people around me have gone or are going through a lot. None of us are immune to the struggles of life.  I am trying to work at being able to be there for my friends because they have been there for me.

So how am I? 

I’m good and getting better…one minute at a time, one step at a time.  The goal is to keep moving ahead and not be down on myself when the next tear falls.

What Is Stopping Me?

Spring has arrived.  We have had snow the past few days but it’s the type to not stick around.  The sun is shining and the streets are dry again.  Birds are starting to chirp and we have seen the first robins.

I’m continuing to push myself to better health.  I’ve increased my step goal to 10,000 steps (which was normal before all of this happened).  I’m reaching it and most days exceeding the step count with the help of my treadmill.

This is normally the time of year that I just can’t wait to get outside but something is stopping me.  I can make myself go out to walk if I have a destination.  It has to be for an appointment that I can’t miss.  I can walk when Ron is home but today Ron is working.

So what stops me?  I look outside and think it would be good to go but then I feel the anxiety and retreat to the treadmill. Why? And the better question is How?   How do I get over this feeling and get back outside by myself.  I don’t even know why it causes me stress.

I guess it is one of those things that will take time.  Small steps will lead to longer walks but in the mean time the treadmill will have to do.

It will come…

Update on Sarah….her symptoms have improved.  The headache and pressure are gone.  She is able to walk normal and without assistance.  She is trying school today with modifications.   I told her to be careful or the symptoms could come back.  She told me that it wasn’t that bad.  I told her that it was because she couldn’t remember.  

Jenn got a temporary full time position at the hospital.  She is excited about having her own office.  Her current department isn’t very happy to lose her.

Stephen and Kylie just returned from Hawaii and I was reliving the experience through their pictures and stories.

These are turtles,
not Stephen and Kylie

I need to get my day going.  Down to the treadmill I go.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

I’m working through my google list of how to fight depression and one of them is to challenge negative thoughts. With so many horrific things happening over the last couple of years, I feel like Positive Penny has changed into Negative Nickle and perhaps turned a little Loonie.

Creating a routine, exercising and trying something new is a piece of cake compared to the step of challenging negative thoughts.  When life has thrown so many difficult things at you in a short time, you begin to expect the worst.  It has been strange and hard watching my optimism disappear.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been really working to live in the moment.  Looking back is scary because of how low I felt and looking ahead can be overwhelming and cause anxiety.  I can say that I want to live in the now but it isn’t easy, and at times, not achievable.

This “challenging negative feelings” was put to the test over the last couple of days.  Our granddaughter, Sarah gave us a real scare.  She had a few dizzy spells yesterday and fell three times.  The last time was at school and she hit her head hard.  Her mom was called to the school.  Jenn started driving her to the hospital but had to stop and call an ambulance.  Sarah was immediately looked at the hospital.  She had a severe headache and her right side was not working right causing her to need support to walk.  Her blood pressure was very low and she just didn’t feel right. We were all scared and no matter how hard I tried the negative thoughts were there.

Thankfully, she was in one of the best hospitals that have so many resources.  They did blood work, checked her vitals, did an ECG, cat scan and an EEG.  They called in the pediatric team.  They examined, prodded, hydrated and medicated her.  They kept her there for the night.  Jenn stayed right beside her.  

This morning they came with the results.  They weren’t sure why she was having dizzy spells except that perhaps a viral infection may have caused it.  There was no bleeding or swelling.  The symptoms were all credited to a severe concussion.  She still can’t walk properly but they let her go home with some conditions.  She needs to take it very easy with very little screen time.  She can’t go to school on Monday and then will do half days the rest of the week and if the symptoms don’t improve they will need to take her back.

She was pretty tired by the time she got home.  I’m not use to seeing her so flat and I am very thankfully that her family were there to look after her.

So I can challenge all those negative thoughts but I feel like they won today.  Tomorrow is a new day and we are hoping for good news about Sarah and I will again try and spend Negative Nickle and get the Positive Penny for change. 🙏

My Thoughts

A year and a half has past since I shared my thoughts on this page.  All of last year, I blogged almost daily for my sister. The blog was entitled “I’m STEELE Standing.” (Link for the blog)  My sister, Tina was diagnosed with ALS on January 25, 2022 and faught this horrible disease for 11 months and four days. Our hearts are still in the midst of grieving.

The past couple of years have been hard.  I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  My feelings have kept me away from people and had made it hard to cope with day to day life.  These emotions started in 2021 and with Tina’s diagnosis and other family situations and dynamics, I spiraled.  I was scared.

For the past two years, we also had the primary care for one, two and sometimes three of our grandchildren.  In some ways, I think that was what kept me getting up every morning.

Two to three weeks ago I felt the cloud of depression starting to lift.  It’s not gone, but I now feel like I have some energy to battle it.  

This blog use to be filled with beautiful places and smiling faces.  My goal is to get back to that and I want to try to journal my steps along the way.  I promise that this won’t be a doom and gloom blog but rather rejoicing in the steps to recovery. ❤️‍🩹 

Anxiety

The definition of anxiety is:

a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event

or something with an uncertain outcome.

So, I guess I am allowed to have it with thinking about surgery BUT I don't like it. 

The symptoms of a panic attack include:

• Racing heart - yup!

• Chest pain, feeling like you're having a heart attack - already had an echocardiogram  - all good but still have the symptoms

• Feelings of complete terror, impending doom or death that are paralyzing - not really, unless it counts that I showed Ron where the life insurance policies are and how to get into the bank accounts.

• Feeling sweaty or having chills - do hot flashes count?

• Feeling out of control or like you're going crazy - well, that is kind of normal for me but yes, a little more out of control!

• Shortness of breath or difficulty breathing  - oh yeah, no doubt!

• Feeling detached from your surroundings - not so much...although the For Sale sign on the house always does that a bit.

• Experiencing nausea or upset stomach - oh that reminds me to add gravol to my grocery list.

• Having numbness or tingling sensations - especially in my fingers plus my hands have swollen so that I can't wear my rings.

• Feeling like you're choking - that's for sure!

Okay, so I have the symptoms and I even have a reason BUT I still don't like it.


So if I can google the symptoms I can google how to help anxiety.


Try these when you're feeling anxious or stressed:

• Take a time-out. -That's what days off are all about!
• Eat well-balanced meals. - My fitnesspal app helps me with this one. 
• Limit alcohol and caffeine. - No alcohol BUT going without tea would cause me more stress!

• Get enough sleep.  - Oh, I try but my fitbit keeps telling me that I am not sleeping deeply and Ron tells me in the morning that my tossing and turning is causing him not to either.
• Exercise daily - Not a problem!  I need to keep my fitbit happy!
• Take deep breaths. - Doing it right now but the fumes of my oven being cleaned gives me a headache. 
• Count to 10 slowly. - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6....10.  I guess I need to work on that one. 
• Do your best. Instead of aiming for perfection...., Hard one.  I made a couple of mistakes this week at work and it was hard to let it go! 
• Accept that you cannot control everything. - So true but that is a hard one!  This is usually when the tears come.
• Welcome humor. - My son has been providing me with this by sending photos of Bentley who is currently in remission from his cancer!

• Maintain a positive attitude. - Oh, I am trying.  We are looking ahead and have booked our 35th Anniversary trip on Vancouver Island....6 nights on the ocean!

• Get involved. - Being busy at work helps plus having the days off with Ron and going on our little adventures is very positive.
• Learn what triggers your anxiety. - Oh, I know exactly what the trigger is ....March 28th when they will put me to sleep and a knife will go across my neck.  I will wake up a few hours later to a loving husband, my sweet daughter is who coming to help with things and a son who  always been there for me.  We will then wait for a few weeks to hear about the success of the surgery and if it was indeed cancer.
• Talk to someone. - I'm doing that.  I called my grandchildren.  I got to hear about Emma losing her tooth and how she is cleaning her room so the tooth fairy can come tonight.
  

I know that I am going to make it through....I am working to try to not let the anxiety overwhelm me.  One lady at work told me that I shouldn't be too hard on myself.  I'm allowed to be concerned.  Being told not to worry can cause more anxiety.  As I pause to think about what I want to type I notice that I am wringing my hands.  It's just there!

But now....I'm going to get moving for the day.  I want to

get the house cleaned,

the laundry done,

ironing caught up,

banking looked after,

some college work done,

the oven cleaned,

go for a walk,

maybe watch a movie....