Many Emotions

What a day! Dad was scheduled for surgery and we were on deck to be his support team.  Ron drove and dropped the three of us off at the door of the Belleville Hospital.  

We made our way down to Day Surgery.  They took dad in pretty quickly.  It was before 11:00.  They told us that the surgery was scheduled for 1:00 pm and that he should be ready to go home by 3:00.  We went to Zwicks Park and went for a walk along the water.  

We decided to grab some lunch before heading back to the hospital.  We went back and waited.  3:00 came and went.  After some anxious waiting, I called into the day surgery area.  They said that some people take longer in recovery due to the anaesthetic.  We waited.  Two other people were waiting for their family member.  We thought the niece could have been in the world’s Guinness book of world records for talking without taking a breath.  We, on the other hand, were kind of quite worrying why it was taking so long.  Finally, a nurse came out to talk to us.  Dad’s blood pressure was 200.  They were trying to manage that.  It was pretty scary and we were very worried about the consequences of such a high number.  We waited and waited.  I called into the area again for an update and they said that they would be transporting him over to the step down recovery area soon.  Around 5:00, they finally came out to talk to us.  His blood pressure had actually gone up to 220 but it was now better.  We got to go in and see him.  He looked good.

The next concern was that he didn’t have feeling in his legs and feet enough to stand.  They weren’t going to let him go home until he could stand a little more steady.  They set a time for 20 minutes to try again.  We went to Tim’s in the hospital to grab a snack while dad was wrapped with a heated blanket.  We came back and waited.  At 7:30, after a few more tries of steadiness, he was wheeled out to the car and managed to get into the front seat.  

Thirty minutes later he made his way into the condo to his chair.  After a bagel and a drink, he was ready for bed. 

I took a sigh of relieve and then I got a text from Stephen.  Kylie’s dad was in the hospital, not doing well.  Kylie will be staying longer with her parents.  He also said that Lily, their beautiful cat passed away yesterday.

 My heart is heavy.

No Guarantees but Live with Joy

Last night before going to bed, I loaded the dishwasher and pressed start.  Just as I laid my head on the pillow, the dishwasher started to do a little alarm.  I came out to check it.  There were two codes flashing which, when interpreted by google, meant that it wasn’t draining.  I scooped, and sucked the water out with a Turkey baster.  I then cleaned the filter and restarted it.  I went back to bed and heard the same chimes.  We shut it off and decided it was a tomorrow’s problem.  So, this morning, it was today’s problem.  I drained the bottom again and Ron began his research.  He tried a couple of the tips and we pressed start again.  The now very familiar alarm went with the same two error codes.  Ron did more extensive research, and by research I mean watching YouTube videos on what the problem might be.  After careful review of the situation and one more trial and error which also meant another suctioning out of water, it was decided that the pump is done.  Ron removed it and ordered the part.  Stay tuned…this means hand washing dishes.

We had an early lunch and headed to Napanee.  A special lady in our church passed away while we were out west and her funeral was today.  Mary Esther and Bob always sit right behind mom and dad in church.  She always had a beautiful smile and would have something friendly to say.  She was a school friend of Ron’s mom.  Mom and I went to the hospital to visit her just before Ron and I left for British Columbia.  She smiled and said that she remembered Stephen when he would come to church with Donna.  I was sad to hear that I wouldn’t have any more visits with her.  Today, we celebrated her life.  

She had planned her own funeral.  Listening to the songs she chose and the scriptures to be read shows that she was ready to meet her Lord.  We mourn because we won’t see her smile and hear her encouraging words anymore.  We mourn because we will watch Bob attend church by himself but we rejoice knowing that she isn’t in pain and we will someday see her again.  

There is no guarantee of tomorrow so we should live each day with as much joy as we can.  I can almost guarantee that I probably will have to do the dishes by hand tomorrow.  I will have more joy when the dishwasher is fixed.

She meant so Mutch to so Many

Growing up there were three families that spent a lot of time together….The Steele’s, the Lowry’s and the Mutch family.  There was snowmobiling and sledding in the winter to camping at the bay in the summer and many other activities through the year. In the center of the fun was one special lady and that was Reta Mutch.  She was the biggest kid at any event and encouraged everyone to have fun.

Taken from Reta’s Facebook page 

Growing up close by the Mutch clan, I never heard Reta get angry.  I’m sure her kids may have a different story but for me she was the lady that always had a smile.  I don’t know if I know of another person who loved life quite like Reta.  Over the past number of years, cancer attacked her body and she fought on.

From Reta’s Facebook 

On Thursday, her fight was over.  She said goodbye to this world and went to see her loved ones that had passed before he.  It was a hard day.  It felt like I had lost an important part of my past.

Today was a celebration of Reta’s life.  I sat amazed watching her children and grandchildren stand strong and share about this special lady in their family.

The message that was given is that Reta loved God first. Her family was next and the reason that she held so tightly to life was that she didn’t want to miss anything.  Tears came through the service but her son and grandson brought laughter too.  Reta would have liked that because Reta loved to laugh.

Reta, you will be missed.  

From Reta’s Facebook 

On Thursday, when Reta passed, a memory popped up on our Facebook page.  It was from 13 years ago.  Reta had commented on one of my posts.

I needed to see that right then….so Reta, I will try to keep laughing and dancing through the hard times.

Life is Confusing

Today felt like summer.  The sun was warm and it felt good to be out and about.  Ron had a morning appointment in Napanee and we had a little extra time to stroll through Springside Park and it was definitely looking very springy.

We stopped on the way home at the nursery to check out some vegetables and ran into two cousins and their spouses and had a nice visit over the tomato plants.

Ron was off to a practice with his music group in the evening.  

Sarah and I were sitting downstairs when I received a text from a friend in Pincher Creek.  The news she shared made me gasp.  Sarah jumped.  One of our friends had passed away after being diagnosed with cancer only three weeks prior.  He was an amazing man.  When we knew that we were moving to Pincher Creek, we checked the church out.  Paul greeted us warmly.  He was a gentle giant.  He towered over Ron.  Paul disappeared during church to teach the children downstairs.  When we started looking for our house, our realtor started talking about the Erickson homes built by a good family business and were well sought after.  We made the connection that Paul Erickson was who she was talking about.  We eventually bought our Erickson home and it was and always will be one of our favourite homes.  Through the years, we got to know Paul and Debbie a little better and realized that you couldn’t find a nicer couple.  Paul was busy with his business, his family, his church and coached basketball.  When we sold our house and were getting ready to move Paul and Debbie took us out for dinner.  He was healthy and strong and full of life.  Our hearts go out to Debbie and the kids.  

We were blessed to have known such a wonderful person.

Steps and Sadness

Stephen and Kylie worked days today.  

Ron and I went on a hike to Clearwater Lakes.

It was only a two hour hike and a nice way to get our steps.  We had done this hike in September with Stephen.

We forgot about some of the steep spots but my regular walking made the hike much easier than I remembered.

Can you see the eagle? 🦅 

We came back to the house to keep company with the livestock.

Mom called today to tell me that Uncle Morley had passed away.  Mom comes from a family of 13 kids.  Mom is the third youngest.  She has had to say goodbye to most of her older siblings.  This time it was her younger brother. It was horrible to hear the hurting in her voice.  Life can be so hard.  

Today, as I sat on a bench near the upper lake, I felt a heaviness come over me.  I tried hard to choke back the tears but they came.  I thought of my sister and how she fought to walk as long as she could.  I had just hiked for over 4 kilometres with more to go.  I tried to push the darkness away.  I want to enjoy the things that I can do now because we don’t know what the future holds.  I want to walk or hike because I can.  I want to enjoy life and the people around me.  I don’t want to worry about tomorrow because it robs the joy of today.  Along life’s journey there is sadness and pain.   Sometimes it comes too often and can feel overwhelming.  We sometimes have to say goodbye to family and friends.  It’s not easy..sometimes the pain feels too much.

I will never forget those that we have lost.  Life will never be the same without them.  I want to think about the good memories with them.  I want to appreciate the people that I have in my life now and work to make special moments with them.  

Sadness will come but I will continue to push on.  I will keep the step count going.  Healing comes one step at a time…you just need to keep putting one foot ahead of the other.

Closure?

Tomorrow there will be a gathering in my home town to say goodbye to my sister.  My mom said that they need closure and so a service has been planned.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I cannot be there.  Instead of closure for me, it feels like my open wounds have had salt poured on them.

They say….whoever they are…that time heals.  I guess I just need more time.

Today, I feel kind of like our weather.  It feels like I should be happier but a cloud is moving in.  Outside, it should be spring and it’s snowing.  

The good news is that tomorrow is a new day with the promise of sunshine and warm temperatures.  

Today, I will push on.  I will exercise.  I will keep going. I will push the clouds away just like the snow will melt when the sun comes out.

So closure?  I’m not sure what that really is.  

• 
• Maybe it’s pushing on when you don’t feel like it.  
• Maybe it’s planning for tomorrow when you aren’t having a good day.  
• Maybe it is just writing your thoughts before starting your day.  
• Maybe it is counting your blessings of what you have and not dwelling as much on what you have lost.
• Maybe it is like my Christmas cactus who has decided to bloom in April.

Just maybe, It’s that you are supposed to bloom even when the odds seem to be against you??

My Thoughts

A year and a half has past since I shared my thoughts on this page.  All of last year, I blogged almost daily for my sister. The blog was entitled “I’m STEELE Standing.” (Link for the blog)  My sister, Tina was diagnosed with ALS on January 25, 2022 and faught this horrible disease for 11 months and four days. Our hearts are still in the midst of grieving.

The past couple of years have been hard.  I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety and panic attacks.  My feelings have kept me away from people and had made it hard to cope with day to day life.  These emotions started in 2021 and with Tina’s diagnosis and other family situations and dynamics, I spiraled.  I was scared.

For the past two years, we also had the primary care for one, two and sometimes three of our grandchildren.  In some ways, I think that was what kept me getting up every morning.

Two to three weeks ago I felt the cloud of depression starting to lift.  It’s not gone, but I now feel like I have some energy to battle it.  

This blog use to be filled with beautiful places and smiling faces.  My goal is to get back to that and I want to try to journal my steps along the way.  I promise that this won’t be a doom and gloom blog but rather rejoicing in the steps to recovery. ❤️‍🩹 

Wear Red

Wearing red is something that the RCMP spouses have encouraged to show their love, support and honour to a fallen officer.  Tomorrow I will wear red again and pray for a wife and three sons who have lost a husband and father.

Cst. David Matthew Wynn

Cst. Wynn graduated two months after Ron.  It sounds like Cst. Wynn was a wonderful man that was full of compassion for life and his family.  He died a hero and his family will continue to remember him as that and so much more.  Once again my heart aches....

My grandchildren showing respect.

 

And me two provinces away:

 

 



 

 







The New Year....Emergencies and Emotions

Only three days into the new year and life has been full of emotions for me.  On New Year's Day we hosted a dinner.  The table was set, the food was ready but responding to a call kept the food warming.

Once everyone was there, we enjoyed a ham dinner only to be interrupted by another call out just before dessert.  Back they came for coffee and cheese cake and then off to work for the rest of the night shift.  The good part of the evening was that the seargent had his wife and little one year old visiting which meant another woman at the table and a toddler and oh, how I love little ones and another woman to talk to.  The bad part was that Ron was one of the guys responding to calls so he didn't get to sit and enjoy the evening but at least he got his supper between calls.

Yesterday morning the door bell rang which is quite unusual.  The guys usually just knock and if we know that they are coming they knock, yell "police" and come on in.  Yesterday was different.  When I opened the door, a young man stood there very broken.  He has just found a relative dead.  I began to cry as Ron rushed to get ready to go with this poor guy.  All I could do was bring him a cup of tea and a Kleenex box.  My heart ached for him.  I had to call Stephen to have someone to talk to.  He called back later to check on me.  I continued with my day by taking down the Christmas decorations but my mind would often be drawn back to the aching man at my door.  I had a hard time sleeping last night thinking about him and the rest of the community in mourning.

This morning after a restless sleep there was a loud pounding at our door.  Ron stumbled to the door, after coming in at at four in the morning, and was told to call for help.  Another house fire, another family loses a home, another tradegy in the community.

Taken from my front window

As I sit here on my couch watching the flames die down and the smoke billowing across the sky I think about the days when we lived in a parsonage and we would receive many knocks on the door for help.  Some people looking for prayer, for counselling, for money...one time even a place to have their baby.  Those were interesting times.  It is different now.  I feel a step away.  I don't respond to the calls but I hear about them and sometimes am witness to part of the procedure.  I have a little anxiety at times when I watch the guys leave for a call.  One thing is still the same, I can pray for the members here and I can pray for those who experience the tradegy.  Yes, today I will pray for this person's family who died so suddenly and so young yesterday and I will pray for this family who lost a home today.  I will pray for Ron when he goes to work tonight.

We never know what the next door knock will bring so I think the best way to open each door is with a little prayer.

Sea of Red

Our nation is mourning today for three men who lost their lives in the line of duty.

We can feel removed from the situation because we did not know them personally but then we hear about who they were.  Three men who wanted to help others.  Three husbands to mourning wives.  Three fathers who left children behind.  They were sons and friends.  They were co-workers.  They were police officers who put their lives on the line to protect others.

I will sit in front of the tv today watching the funeral for these precious men. 

When I see the sea of red serges I know that my eyes will well up. 

Perhaps this hits me harder because there is a red serge hanging in our closet and I know the risk is always there. 

Today I will wear my red in honour of the fallen and pray for the families of these heroes. 

Today I will be thankful that my husband is safe and tonight I will hug him just a little longer.

Today I will be thankful for life and my family.

Today I will pray.....

Heavy Heart

The news from Moncton has echoed through many homes yesterday and again today.  First the rumours and then the actual reports from the RCMP stating that five officers have been shot with three losing their lives in the line of duty.  It is such a heartbreaking time listening and thinking about what these families are going through.  My prayers don't seem like enough and yet I pray for the families affected, for those still out searching....for it to be over soon.

Many police officers will wear the blue cross today.  The looped blue over black mourning ribbon pinned at the center with a maple leaf badge is the national symbol for mourning peace officers who have died in the line of duty.  Ron left for work today wearing it.  I could not stop the tears as I watched him go thinking about those who went to work yesterday in Moncton expecting it to be just another routine day.

Today starts another day.  We don't know what it will bring.  Our hearts are heavy for the loss of three good officers who went to work expecting to do their job and come home.  The families of  these precious officers lives have been changed forever.  We pray for these families and their partners who have to deal with this pain and loss.  We also pray for the officers that have been wounded that they will recover physically and emotionally. 

 And Lord....please help it to be over soon!