How Are You?

My son tells me that I should keep this blog happy but when I reintroduced it I said that I was taking you along on my journey to better health.

For the past two years when I was asked “How are you?” my response was “I’m okay.”  It felt like I was lying if I said that I was good.  To be honest, I felt that sometimes it was hard to breathe, tears came quick and often and I didn’t feel like or have the energy to do much.

As I sat in my contemplation seat (which is on the back of the motorcycle), I considered the question of “how am I?

I’m doing so much better.  I could even answer, “I’m good.” That doesn’t mean that I’m not still grieving or that life has changed that much. It’s just having the cloud of depression lift enough to see that there is still things to enjoy, events to celebrate, people to love. 

I notice that I have come from not wanting to do anything to planning things to do.  I have energy to walk and hike.  I am working harder to keep getting better.  I also have the wisdom to know that I don’t want to go back to that place so I try and shield myself from negativity. I sometimes still cry over nothing because of everything.

I have learned a lot about myself through this journey.  I have always tried to make people happy.  You can’t always do that.  I will try and then my goal is to not take it personally if they can’t see my heart.  I am only responsible for my own actions.

I never thought that I would be someone that struggled with depression and anxiety.  I would have never guessed that life would throw so many things at me. I have also noticed that people around me have gone or are going through a lot. None of us are immune to the struggles of life.  I am trying to work at being able to be there for my friends because they have been there for me.

So how am I? 

I’m good and getting better…one minute at a time, one step at a time.  The goal is to keep moving ahead and not be down on myself when the next tear falls.

Get Enough Sleep?

My googling steps to better health include getting enough sleep.  That seems to be much easier said than done. Yes, you can google tips on how to get a good night’s sleep. I’ve tried a lot of them.  I go to bed so tired and then my mind seems to snap awake.  My evening thoughts use to be anxiety and fear of what could happen next.  I have now moved pass that (mostly) to thinking about the yesterdays…. 

I am hopeful that peaceful sleep will come just like the motivation to exercise or the ability to write out my thoughts.  I never realized how much depression can take from you and I am so thankful that the cloud is lifting and I am able to fight through things.  I will continue to work on what I can. 

My watch and my phone have a “do not disturb” mode.  I wish my brain could do that at night too.

Challenge Negative Thoughts

I’m working through my google list of how to fight depression and one of them is to challenge negative thoughts. With so many horrific things happening over the last couple of years, I feel like Positive Penny has changed into Negative Nickle and perhaps turned a little Loonie.

Creating a routine, exercising and trying something new is a piece of cake compared to the step of challenging negative thoughts.  When life has thrown so many difficult things at you in a short time, you begin to expect the worst.  It has been strange and hard watching my optimism disappear.

Over the past couple of weeks I have been really working to live in the moment.  Looking back is scary because of how low I felt and looking ahead can be overwhelming and cause anxiety.  I can say that I want to live in the now but it isn’t easy, and at times, not achievable.

This “challenging negative feelings” was put to the test over the last couple of days.  Our granddaughter, Sarah gave us a real scare.  She had a few dizzy spells yesterday and fell three times.  The last time was at school and she hit her head hard.  Her mom was called to the school.  Jenn started driving her to the hospital but had to stop and call an ambulance.  Sarah was immediately looked at the hospital.  She had a severe headache and her right side was not working right causing her to need support to walk.  Her blood pressure was very low and she just didn’t feel right. We were all scared and no matter how hard I tried the negative thoughts were there.

Thankfully, she was in one of the best hospitals that have so many resources.  They did blood work, checked her vitals, did an ECG, cat scan and an EEG.  They called in the pediatric team.  They examined, prodded, hydrated and medicated her.  They kept her there for the night.  Jenn stayed right beside her.  

This morning they came with the results.  They weren’t sure why she was having dizzy spells except that perhaps a viral infection may have caused it.  There was no bleeding or swelling.  The symptoms were all credited to a severe concussion.  She still can’t walk properly but they let her go home with some conditions.  She needs to take it very easy with very little screen time.  She can’t go to school on Monday and then will do half days the rest of the week and if the symptoms don’t improve they will need to take her back.

She was pretty tired by the time she got home.  I’m not use to seeing her so flat and I am very thankfully that her family were there to look after her.

So I can challenge all those negative thoughts but I feel like they won today.  Tomorrow is a new day and we are hoping for good news about Sarah and I will again try and spend Negative Nickle and get the Positive Penny for change. 🙏